CUNY Plans Graduate School of Bartending (Satire)
by Advocate Staff
In response both to the weak job market inside and outside academia and to strong interest among the unemployed in drowning their sorrows in perfectly mixed alcoholic spirits, CUNY is developing a new school of bartending. Officially called the “O’Reilly’s Graduate School of Mixological Science,” this new initiative will combine traditional training in pouring alcoholic spirits […]
New Grad Center Provost Has Amazing Hair (Satire)
by Advocate Staff
Is it a perfect Southern California wave frozen in time, its crest forever feathered by the late autumn offshore breeze; or, the living form of a jagged alpine peak, hiding sublime mysteries and wonders both natural and supernatural; or a cornice, that historic building’s last ineluctable detail of anointed perfection; or a rare bird in full plumage sighted deep […]
Poll Finds Satirist M. Lau’s Approval Rating at All-Time Low
by Advocate Staff
Whether it’s because they never thought his “Back Page” “articles” were funny in the first place, or because they gradually began to discern the formulaic and insipid nature of most of his jokes and premises, or because he has cast aspersions on too many members of the fragile Graduate Center community, or because his articles […]
Professors Watts Arrests Cop for Loitering Outside the Graduate Center
by Advocate Staff
Late last week, “The Diogenes of Midtown,” GC Professor Jerry Watts, made a citizen’s arrest of an NYPD patrol officer outside the Graduate Center. Many are calling it the astonishing and unlikely sequel to America’s most famous racial-profiling incident, the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates in his Cambridge home earlier this summer.
After receiving a few […]
Many GC Professors Almost Public Intellectuals
by Advocate Staff
Once in a while they are on public radio, even more rarely are they on public television, and none dare dream of becoming a media pariah, a la Ralph Nader. The thought of it is tantalizing, the possibility too slim. As a recent report from the Graduate Center’s Center for the Promotion of the Graduate Center puts it, “many […]
Stanley Fish Has no Chili Peppers on Ratemyprofessors.com
by Advocate Staff
With the Humanities facing existential budget cuts and the industrialized world melting down in the greatest credit crisis since the last scene of Fight Club, Stanley Fish may be “the last professor,” but the Florida International University Law Professor is certainly not the hottest. Or at least that’s the verdict of his students on ratemyprofessors.com, […]
GC Library To Get Corporate Makeover
by Advocate Staff
It is the worst of times. It is the epoch of incredulity. It is the season of eight dollar chicken Caesar wraps and “make-a-difference” coffees from 365 Express Café. It is the winter when, as usual, the vegan students have devoured all the library printer paper. Can spring be far behind?
In such an economic climate […]
Advocate Editor James
by Advocate Staff
Mark Schiebe awoke one morning from unsettling dreams to find himself transformed into a music critic who makes only fifty dollars a month. It was no dream. Across the GC Advocate community, writers are now so broke they can’t even afford to starve. Yet, the more startling fact is that their leftist boss at the paper, James […]
Chancellor Goldstein Declares Himself Emperor for Life
by Advocate Staff
In a move that has stunned everyone on 80th street except Jar-Jar Binks and a few other affirmative action hires, CUNY’s favorite and only chancellor Matthew Goldstein has declared himself Emperor of the entire CUNY galaxy.
“Unlimited power and the idea of being able to destroy entire community colleges and other blights on CUNY’s new image were just […]
CUNY Center for Place, Culture, and Politics Attempts to Recruit Geography Expert Sarah Palin
by Advocate Staff
Everyone knows that when she was asked about her foreign policy credentials, Governor Sarah Palin cited her state’s proximity to Alaska. Charlie Gibson asked her, “What insights into Russian actions, particularly in the last couple of weeks, does the proximity of your state give you?” Without blinking the Governor responded, “They’re our next door neighbors. […]
