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Seeking Revenue, Graduate Center Legalizes Marijuana (Satire)

by Advocate Staff

It’s the first thing CUNY admin­is­tra­tors think about in the morn­ing and the last thing they rec­ol­lect as they shut their eyes at night. It’s the metaphor­i­cal sugar in their cof­fee, the salt in their soup, the ganja in their splif. It’s called money, and there’s about to be a lot less of it next year. But […]

GC Creates New Department of Herstory (Satire)

by Advocate Staff

Her com­mit­tee said it couldn’t be done. There was no way his­tory grad­u­ate stu­dent Kram Ebei­hcs would be able to write her pro­posed the­sis, “The Penis Dia­logue: Per­sonal Reflec­tions on Phal­lic Imagery in Eve Ensler’s Vagina Mono­logues,” within the Grad­u­ate Center’s con­ser­v­a­tive His­tory Depart­ment, which is bet­ter known for its bio­graph­i­cal work on reac­tionary idols like […]

CUNY Plans Graduate School of Bartending (Satire)

by Advocate Staff

In response both to the weak job mar­ket inside and out­side acad­e­mia and to strong inter­est among the unem­ployed in drown­ing their sor­rows in per­fectly mixed alco­holic spir­its, CUNY is devel­op­ing a new school of bar­tend­ing. Offi­cially called the “O’Reilly’s Grad­u­ate School of Mixo­log­i­cal Sci­ence,” this new ini­tia­tive will com­bine tra­di­tional train­ing in pour­ing alco­holic spirits […]

New Grad Center Provost Has Amazing Hair (Satire)

by Advocate Staff

Is it a per­fect South­ern Cal­i­for­nia wave frozen in time, its crest for­ever feath­ered by the late autumn off­shore breeze; or, the liv­ing form of a jagged alpine peak, hid­ing sub­lime mys­ter­ies and won­ders both nat­ural and super­nat­ural; or a cor­nice, that his­toric building’s last ineluctable detail of anointed per­fec­tion; or a rare bird in full plumage sighted deep […]

Poll Finds Satirist M. Lau’s Approval Rating at All-Time Low

by Advocate Staff

Whether it’s because they never thought his “Back Page” “arti­cles” were funny in the first place, or because they grad­u­ally began to dis­cern the for­mu­laic and insipid nature of most of his jokes and premises, or because he has cast asper­sions on too many mem­bers of the frag­ile Grad­u­ate Cen­ter com­mu­nity, or because his articles […]

Professors Watts Arrests Cop for Loitering Outside the Graduate Center

by Advocate Staff

Late last week, “The Dio­genes of Mid­town,” GC Pro­fes­sor Jerry Watts, made a citizen’s arrest of an NYPD patrol offi­cer out­side the Grad­u­ate Cen­ter. Many are call­ing it the aston­ish­ing and unlikely sequel to America’s most famous racial-profiling inci­dent, the arrest of Har­vard Pro­fes­sor Henry Louis Gates in his Cam­bridge home ear­lier this sum­mer. After receiving […]

Many GC Professors Almost Public Intellectuals

by Advocate Staff

Once in a while they are on pub­lic radio, even more rarely are they on pub­lic tele­vi­sion, and none dare dream of becom­ing a media pariah, a la Ralph Nader. The thought of it is tan­ta­liz­ing, the pos­si­bil­ity too slim. As a recent report from the Grad­u­ate Center’s Cen­ter for the Pro­mo­tion of the Grad­u­ate Cen­ter puts it, “many […]

Stanley Fish Has no Chili Peppers on Ratemyprofessors.com

by Advocate Staff

With the Human­i­ties fac­ing exis­ten­tial bud­get cuts and the indus­tri­al­ized world melt­ing down in the great­est credit cri­sis since the last scene of Fight Club, Stan­ley Fish may be “the last pro­fes­sor,” but the Florida Inter­na­tional Uni­ver­sity Law Pro­fes­sor is cer­tainly not the hottest. Or at least that’s the ver­dict of his stu­dents on ratemyprofessors.com, […]

GC Library To Get Corporate Makeover

by Advocate Staff

It is the worst of times. It is the epoch of incredulity. It is the sea­son of eight dol­lar chicken Cae­sar wraps and “make-a-difference” cof­fees from 365 Express Café. It is the win­ter when, as usual, the vegan stu­dents have devoured all the library printer paper. Can spring be far behind? In such an economic […]

Advocate Editor James

by Advocate Staff

Mark Schiebe awoke one morn­ing from unset­tling dreams to find him­self trans­formed into a music critic who makes only fifty dol­lars a month. It was no dream. Across the GC Advo­cate com­mu­nity, writ­ers are now so broke they can’t even afford to starve. Yet, the more star­tling fact is that their left­ist boss at the paper, James […]