Seeking Revenue, Graduate Center Legalizes Marijuana (Satire)
GC President Bill Kelly kicks back at the dinner honoring new Distinguished Professor Tommy Chomg
It’s the first thing CUNY administrators think about in the morning and the last thing they recollect as they shut their eyes at night. It’s the metaphorical sugar in their coffee, the salt in their soup, the ganja in their splif. It’s called money, and there’s about to be a lot less of it next year.
But with New York State warning of yet another dire budget situation for next year, the Graduate Center’s long history of innovative fundraising strategies—from faculty bikini carwashes to presidential swimsuit calendars—looks poised for a new chapter. Call it chapter four-hundred and twenty. That’s because officials are planning not only to charter the new Cannabis Center for Research and Consumption, but also plan to decriminalize possession and then legalize the sale and consumption of the products of the new center, which will become New York City’s first fully operational medical marijuana distributor.
“This is about more than securing the salaries of all our employees from administrative staff to distinguished professors by selling some of the kindest bud in the tri-state area,” said the Graduate Center’s own Van Wilder, Advocate editor-in-chief James Hoff.
“This is about more than the peace of mind that comes from knowing those fellowships that students have worked so hard to obtain will be there for them as promised,” Hoff continued while searching his mini-fridge for something to alleviate his cotton-mouth. “This is about helping the proud graduate students of the country’s largest urban public university get the medical treatment they deserve.”
“Graduate students typically suffer from a variety of maladies that marijuana has alleviated for millennia in traditional cultures,” said the GC’s NORML chapter president, Mark Schiebe.
“My years of marijuana ‘research’ have proved that cannabinoids, the active ingredient in nature’s greenest painkiller, are the best medicine for all the daily pains of graduate study,” Schiebe continued. “Whether it’s the severe appetite suppression associated with trying to live in NYC on $3,000 dollars a course as an adjunct, the chronic pain that comes from typing up lecture notes night after night, or the nausea from reading the latest news about the academic job market, there are almost too many ways in which reality can harsh on a scholar’s mellow.”
Schiebe also touted the benefits of marijuana use for the most fatal disease in academia, writer’s block. “Baudelaire once said something to the effect like ‘on Hash we are prose beings to the highest power.’ And he was right. Nothing cured my inability to write my dissertation prospectus like a glass of wine and a few deeps inhales from the vaporizer that I checked out from GC’s new
Cannabis Center.”
“It’s the economy for shizzle,” said the Graduate Center’s newest Distinguished Professor and the first head of the Cannabis Center, Snoop Dogg. “My fellow 213 member Warren G once said, ‘If it don’t make dollars, it don’t make sense.’ Well, the Grad Cizzle’s new Cannabis Center for the Research and Consumption makes a whole lot of both.”
When asked if there was any danger of graduate student’s potentially becoming addicted to the Snoop-approved “chronic” being developed by world-class growers, Snoop replied, “No, we’ll be looking to find most of our customers on the corners around here rather than in the building. The way I see it, you’ve got a solid customer-base in all those West-Indian brothers selling bus rides to tourists across the street.“
“And when Mayor Mike B makes the block here pedestrian only,” Dogg added, “we’ll be poised to turn it into the largest marijuana research center in world.”
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