CUNY Plans Graduate School of Bartending (Satire)
by Advocate Staff
In response both to the weak job market inside and outside academia and to strong interest among the unemployed in drowning their sorrows in perfectly mixed alcoholic spirits, CUNY is developing a new school of bartending. Officially called the “O’Reilly’s Graduate School of Mixological Science,” this new initiative will combine traditional training in pouring alcoholic spirits into cups and glasses with an unprecedented curriculum in the history of alcoholism and a bold new job-training and internship program that will allow students to adjunct at local-area bars while they finish their degrees.
“This is a win-win situation for CUNY and its graduate students,” which will house the new school in the space formerly known as the dining commons, said bartending school spokes-model Mark Schiebe. “The CUNY brand will lend some much needed prestige to the subject of mixology, which many academics view with suspicion. On the other hand, many of our current students will be able to diversify and enhance their skill sets for the job market. Believe me I know, you can’t work at Hooters forever!”
The first thing that CUNY had to do in founding such an unprecedented academic institution was find distinguished faculty to tend to the place. “We are really fortunate that New York City has so many great bartenders,” said Schiebe, who looked fetching in his O’Reilly’s Graduate School of Mixological Science bar-back tank-top.
Reporters were so bewitched by the spokes-model that they failed to ask about the controversy surrounding one of the bartending school’s main appointments.
After supposedly conducting a national search that was never in fact advertised in typical venues like the Chronicle of Higher Education, the search committee appointed Johnny, the longtime O’Reilly’s “Off Fifth” bartender as the first dean of the Bartending School. “I know some people are crying foul because of Johnny’s close ties to GC President Bill Kelly and pretty much every senior professor with an alcohol problem, but he really was one of the most interesting and experienced candidates,” said spokes-model Schiebe.
“Johnny comes to the Graduate School of Mixological Science as a noted practitioner and historian of the ‘buy back,’ the unwritten law whereby mixologists reward diligent customers with free drinks for every one to seven they actually purchase” reads the search committee’s announcement of his appointment. “Indeed,” it continues, “Johnny has used the art of the ‘buy back’ to keep many customers in the bar until closing who were only going to have one beer before their daughter’s dance recital. His value-added technique of simply refilling empty glasses at will has made O’Reilly’s one of the happiest places on earth (for this committee).”
But opponents of the decision are crying foul for a number of reasons. First they point to the fact that Johnny’s “interview” began around happy hour at the questionable location of O’Reilly’s “Off Fifth” and did not end until sometime around four o’clock the next morning when committee members were seen stumbling out of Rick’s Cabaret on 33rd Street to find the nearest ATM.
Second, the Sociology Department has published a study showing that Johnny tends to “buy back” more for attractive heterosexual women than he does even for loyal customers. Third, the Women’s Studies Certificate Program is scoffing at the fact that Johnny insisted he be appointed to its faculty as a condition for accepting the Dean’s position.
When asked what qualifies him for this position, Johnny is reported to have said, “They say ‘a woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.’ Well, I’ve heard more than my fair share of sighs at O’Reilly’s over the years. I’d say that alone qualifies me as an expert on the single, middle-aged women of midtown. I always tell them, ‘Look honey, a man’s face is his autobiography, a women’s is her work of fiction. And right now you’re in the bargain bin outside of the used bookstore.’
“Look people, at the end of the day the committee is standing by its new dean and CUNY is looking forward rather than back at who may or may not have received a private dance at the interview,” said spokesmodel Schiebe. “We are offering hands-on mixology training with high-quality instructors in modern upscale facilities at an unbelievable price. If you think you can get training in ‘flair bartending’ while simultaneously attending Distinguished Professor of Film Studies Noel Carroll’s lecture series on Tom Cruise’s Cocktail anywhere else, you’re just plain wrong!”
Sounds great. Where do I sign on.
Best,
Heywood Gould
Author & Screenwriter of “Cocktail.”