New Grad Center Provost Has Amazing Hair (Satire)
Provost Robinson's real hair
Is it a perfect Southern California wave frozen in time, its crest forever feathered by the late autumn offshore breeze; or, the living form of a jagged alpine peak, hiding sublime mysteries and wonders both natural and supernatural; or a cornice, that historic building’s last ineluctable detail of anointed perfection; or a rare bird in full plumage sighted deep in the dark heart of the Amazon jungle, with only Herzog and Kinski there to help document; or, closer to home, the happy love-child of Susan Sontag and Conan O’Brien’s signature hairstyles? Whatever your metaphor may be to describe it—there’s no denying the undeniable. The Graduate Center’s new Provost, Chase Robinson, has amazing hair.
“It was really the hair that distinguished him from the other candidates” said Grad Center human resources spokesperson Mark Schiebe, who was speaking on condition of anonymity. “We knew we wanted an Islamic Studies person because we needed to fill that need in the History department, but we didn’t want to go with someone too controversial or who would appear too ethnic to our Jewish donors.”
He continued, “On the other hand, we didn’t want someone who was too vanilla. You know, like one of Spivak’s white students, who can’t say a complete sentence without some variation of the word spectral in it. Which is why Robinson is so perfect, he is an expert in a nonthreatening subsection of a topic Americans find threatening, and his outward appearance perfectly embodies this. He is a handsome, professorial type, but that wisp of grey in his pompadour says, “I’m a little bit of a bad boy.”
“We had a saying around here when Chase was a PhD student,” said Harvard Professor of History Roy Mottahedeh. “If Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships, then Chase has the hair that launched a thousand scholarships! I came up with that one myself during a committee meeting when we awarded him our heftiest graduate student stipend. The drinks were on him if you know what I mean! But fair warning about having him over for dinner, his hair might stain your couch cushions.”
The Provost’s office had no comment on the possible favoritism that has been shown the Provost throughout his career because of his fabulous hair. They did, however, reveal that the Provost recently switched from Herbal Essences hair products to Aveda, perhaps in part thanks to his new pay raise as a Provost and Distinguished Professor of History. In addition to daily shampooing, the Provost conditions almost every day during the drier months but as little as once a week during humid months. In something of a surprise, the Provost abjures the current fashion for pomades in favor of big hair mainstays like mousses and gels.
If this detailed information weren’t telling enough of how crucial his hair has been to his success, consider that Provost Robinson was recently named the first recipient of Islamic Society of North America’s lifetime achievement award in the category of personal grooming.
“One thing is for sure,” reads the conclusion of the citation, “when he walks into a lecture hall with his perfectly coiffed hair slightly tousled by the wind, the terror alert level is elevated in every pretty girl’s heart. If any Islamic Studies scholar deserves to be monitored by the Department of Homeland Security’s Office of Broken-Hearted Undergraduates it is Professor Robinson. Here’s to you Dr. Robinson.
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