GC Library To Get Corporate Makeover
by Advocate Staff
It is the worst of times. It is the epoch of incredulity. It is the season of eight dollar chicken Caesar wraps and “make-a-difference” coffees from 365 Express Café. It is the winter when, as usual, the vegan students have devoured all the library printer paper. Can spring be far behind?
In such an economic climate of “belt-tightening” and “tough choices,” the Graduate Center has announced its latest and boldest plan to reorganize.
“We figured we’d get a head start on the era of ‘new media literacy’ by making our library entirely virtual,” said unofficial public relations officer, Mark Schiebe. “Our students don’t really read anything anyway, except for the occasional article in The Voice or The Chronicle about how dumb it is to go to graduate school.”
“This move has a lot of pros,” added Mark’s twin sister Kram. “Not the least of which are the two potentially lucrative new revenue streams from our bookstore and food court. Students will find that the new dining options at the Grad Center will only enhance and complete midtown’s incredible diversity of fast food, which, studies show, is the preferred dining option of both the overeducated and the ironical consumer.”
“Our airport style bookstore is ideally suited to the life of a Grad Center student, who spends about half their life commuting in one way or another,” Kram continued. “Who can concentrate on Quine or even Derrida with all the talk of candy not being sold for no basketball team on the subway? Plus, if you display a fancy book you’re more likely to get mugged. Petty thieves figure you probably have an Iphone or some hot jacket brand that has yet to be rapped about.
“So put that copy of Queering Projectile Vomiting away, or at the very least conceal it inside the latest John Grisham novel, which is, of course, available just off the lobby. You could probably finish one of his longer novels in your trip from the Grad Center to Queens College, depending on the wait between transfers.”
“We are aware, of course, that this new plan will have its skeptics,” said Schiebe, in a tone that seemed meant to counter his sister’s sales pitch. “But those people are mostly socialists and communists with little buying power, so we think we can probably just ignore them. If they do picket our new Kentucky Taco Hut, we think a round of free tacos or boneless, sauce-less buffalo wings will probably shut them up.”
Indeed, there are likely to be a lot of taco promotion nights in coming weeks, months, and years. Already there are unsubstantiated rumors that incoming student aid packages will consist less of “actual” money and more of perks, like free Chalupas and unsold newspapers from yesterday, the perfect insulation on cold nights for students on a budget.
“We want to incentivize student productivity as much as possible. That’s why we’re already considering giving out free pizzas as prizes for graduate students with perfect attendance. Not, mind you, in the classes their taking, but in the ones they’re teaching. If, on top of that, they manage to somehow show up the whole semester without being hungover, we’re talking about doubling their compensation. But of course we know this is very unlikely.”
But it may take more than a few packets of fire sauce to cool off the Grad Center’s militant pacifists. “You wouldn’t believe how much action there’s been on the CUNY Contingents Unite listserv,” said James Hoff, one of the collective’s founders, as he bit into a ten dollar Chipotle burrito.
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