Chancellor Goldstein Declares Himself Emperor for Life
by Advocate Staff
In a move that has stunned everyone on 80th street except Jar-Jar Binks and a few other affirmative action hires, CUNY’s favorite and only chancellor Matthew Goldstein has declared himself Emperor of the entire CUNY galaxy.
“Unlimited power and the idea of being able to destroy entire community colleges and other blights on CUNY’s new image were just two of the reasons the Emperor couldn’t resist this opportunity,” said the Emperor’s spokeswoman Mark Schiebe. “And besides, the Star Wars tie-in merchandising will really help us pay for all the CUNY presidents’ condo maintenance fees during this time of economic hardship. Do you know what those fees are for luxury buildings these days? We’d have to ask them to give up their various concubines and mistresses and their midtown dungeon without our new ad dollars.”
When a reporter asked if the Emperor hadn’t in fact purchased his “emperor’s cloak” at Ricky’s Halloween costume superstore, Schiebe glared at him for an awkwardly long period of time. Finally it occurred to other press in attendance that the Emperor’s aide may have been trying one of those Darth Vader moves where you choke a dude out just by looking at him. It didn’t work.
Another reporter asked how the Emperor felt about being an Emperor who is still less powerful then the mayor of New York City.
“Actually Lord Bloomberg’s decision to change existing laws so that he can maintain his indomitable grip on the city was a real inspiration to the Emperor in his decision. We’ve even been encouraging Lord Bloomberg to disregard the election process and just stay in office indefinitely. I mean, I think it’s pretty clear from the man-on-the-street interviews on local news that everyone in the city wants him to remain mayor. The Emperor is a very powerful man and the Mayor is an extremely powerful man. So no, we don’t see it as a contradiction at all.”
Rumor has it that the Emperor has a number of changes in mind going forward at CUNY. Among the mostly highly anticipated by himself will be his institution of droit de seigneur or primae noctis, the so-called “right of the first night,” with CUNY students.
“I know what you’re thinking,” said the Emperor’s spokeswoman. “‘How can the Emperor be so sexist in the 21st century by demanding sex only from female students?’ But I’m here to reassure you that while the Emperor will be forcing CUNY students to have sex with him right after they pass the CPE exam; out of deference to the women’s movement and multiculturalism, he will be doing it in the most politically correct possible way.
“He will not just be sleeping with a select few of the students. He will be sleeping with each and every one of our outstanding undergraduates, male or female, straight or gay, American or Muslim.”
Concerns were immediately voiced by the press, many of whom work for CUNY student newspapers. Many wanted reassurance that the “first night” policy wouldn’t apply to graduate students. Others were afraid enrollment at CUNY would drop precipitously or that failure rates on the CPE would skyrocket.
“With grad students it won’t be primae noctis; it will be omnis noctis—both all nights and ALL night. As for enrollment — that had already occurred to the Emperor in his infinite wisdom — which is why CUNY is planning a war of conquest against all tri-state area colleges and universities. We’re going to start with the Cornell University medical center because we know they keep large stockpiles of Viagra and Cialis on hand. The Emperor will need to up his current dosage.
“As for marketing this decision so that people will accept it, can’t you already see it? Look who’s wielding god-like power at CUNY?”
