After Arrests, Graduate Center to Enter Foster Care
[Caution: This is a Satirical Article.]
Kelly was so hopped up on meth
that he giggled all through his arrest.
“Stop!” cried a hysterical Byrd Russell Jabbar, or as he is known outside the terrorist underworld, GC President Bill Kelly. Jabbar, handcuffed and high on methamphetamines, could barely be restrained, as Federal Marshals and their drug dogs searched his Presidential offices last week. Outside in the reception area, Jabbar’s secretary quietly wept while she continued to place calls on hold.earby, other administrators were gathering to admire the spectacular collapse of their leader.
“We wanted to make these arrests during the spring recess to minimize their negative impact on the University,” said US Marshal Tommy Lee Jones. “We didn’t want the students to see their President frog-marched out of here,” added his partner, Shaquille O’Neal.
But, crazy though it may seem, this marked not the end of a dark chapter in the history of CUNY and The Graduate Center, but only the beginning. “Who knew,” said a bewildered Acting Provost, Linda Edwards, “that an academic organization like the James Fenimore Cooper Society could be a front for radical terrorist networks like Al Qaeda, Islamic Jihad, and Hamas?”
In what is still an ongoing Federal investigation, several arrests of somewhat prominent intellectuals have already been made: including President Kelly, Hugh MacDougall, the founder and secretary of the James Fenimore Cooper Society, and several suspects whose identities have yet to be disclosed.
Credit for uncovering the money laundering operation goes to Buck Adams, a male prostitute from Seattle, who heard Jabbar confess the details of his true identity during a drug-induced rampage that occurred on Jabbar’s recent North American tour to promote his swimsuit calendar and The Graduate Center’s UFC reality show.
“This is the last straw for the people and the State of New York,” commented CUNY Chancellor Matthew Goldstein during a press conference the next day. “First came the reports of the criminal number of dissertation abortions every year at the Grad Center; then came the news that, despite our breadline program, students were continuing to eat the free printer paper in the library; this was followed by the near fatal injury to Professor David Nasaw during a taping of the CUNY UFC show, when Professor David Harvey refused to let him out of a submission hold; finally, how can anyone forget the tragic death from hypothermia of Visiting Professor Pascal Gaitet, during the ill-conceived bikini car wash?
“Now, to make matters worse,” continued a visibly shaken Goldstein, “it has come to my attention that The Graduate Center is part of an international drug and money laundering ring connected to terrorist groups!
“I have no choice,” he went on, “but to announce that CUNY no longer feels capable of caring for The Graduate Center. Today we have filed the paperwork to make the Grad Center a ward of the State and enter it into foster care.”
Most commentators have wagered that the most likely foster home for the Grad Center will be either Columbia or NYU. “So many of our students really wanted to go there anyway,” remarked Provost Edwards.
But insider sources in Albany have revealed that the front-runner to take over operations at the Grad Center is Interboro Technical College, renowned for its data entry training and job placement assistance for life.
“Shit, man,” said Lily Saint, a graduate student who seemed both unconcerned and nonplussed about recent events, “at least we get job assistance for life with Interboro; right now the English Department only offers it to ‘recent graduates.’”
Leave a Reply
