President Kelly Consents to Swimsuit Calendars
In yet another effort to raise desperately needed funds for the Graduate Center, sources close to the President’s office are confirming that a green light has been given to an innovative new marketing and fundraising strategy: swimsuit calendars featuring select groups of students, staff, and Graduate Center faculty and administration.
But more surprising than the general idea of such a plan is that market research experts at Direct Opinions, an industry leader hired by the Graduate Center, have indicated that the surest bet for financial success would be to inaugurate the series with a calendar devoted exclusively to President Kelly himself.
“No one would believe it at first,” said a mid-level manager at the super secret firm, Marketing Underground, a silent partner in Direct Opinions, “but the data doesn’t lie. Since coming into office President Kelly has developed a surprisingly loyal following.”
Yes, it seems it is not just Susan O’Malley, chairwoman of CUNY’s faculty senate, who finds the President “dazzling,” but also a growing number of self-described “Bears” in the gay community.
“From the data we’ve culled from chat room interviews and other reliable but informal means,” said another Marketing Underground employee, “it all seems to have started when the President’s appointment was announced in The New York Times. The picture that accompanied the article caused quite a sensation in certain circles, if you know what I mean.”
According to their findings, Marketing Underground estimates that within a week of the article being published the President’s picture had appeared on over 1,000 websites devoted to the aforementioned, anything-but-miniscule sub-culture.
“The President has dazzled his fans not just with his charisma, his charm, his fund raising skills, and his ability to quote at length from James Fenimore Cooper’s neglected masterpieces, The Leatherstocking Tales and The Deerslayer,” commented a representative at A Bear’s Life magazine, “they are also enamored of his gorgeous smile, his rugged beard, and his impeccably tailored, Kevlar-lined suits.”
Andrew Sullivan, the noted Salon columnist, pundit and bear, once wrote, “Part of being a bear is not taking being a bear too seriously.” When asked about President Kelly’s predicament of having all the characteristics of a bear without actually being one, Mr. Sullivan replied, “I’m not sure what I would do in his position, but I’ll tell you this. If what I understand is correct, then I think Dr. Kelly is taking it all wonderfully in stride. In the interest of full disclosure, however, I should tell you that I’ve already pre-ordered my calendar on Amazon!”
With this kind of enthusiasm about the project, it is easy to see why even Graduate Center officials with misgivings were ultimately persuaded. “The data clearly bears witness,” said one GC official speaking on condition of anonymity, “to the fact that our President has an appeal that can carry the entire University to prominence. When you look at things like his receiving several hundred votes in the Mr. NYC Bear 2006 pageant and the interest he’s received from cartoonist Bob Cunningham
, you just can’t argue with the proverb ‘be it better, be it worse, be ruled by he who bears the purse.’”The latest rumors circulating on the Internet have it that President Kelly’s calendar might go so far as to feature Duncan Faherty, the young Assistant Professor from Queens College that many bears consider a stunning young “cub.”
“I can neither confirm nor disconfirm those rumors,” said another high-ranking school official. “But in any case, with multiple calendars slated for next year, including Babes and Hunks of the GC, and calendars featuring transgendered students and students with disabilities, you can be sure that the GC will be exploiting every conceivable predilection in pursuit of its worthy and honorable goal of meeting its fund-raising targets for 2010.”
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