UFC Matches to Determine Executive Officer Posts
Known for their Derridean wordplay
and backbreaking body slams,
Professors Gonzales and Guitierrez
teamed up this year for a chance to
lead the Comp. Lit Department.
In the wake of last school year’s controversial yet widely popular backgammon match between Professors Aciman and Alcalay to decide who would head up the Comparative Literature Department–in which Aciman rolled an improbable six double-sixes in a row for the come from behind victory–University officials announced sweeping changes to the Executive Officer appointment process.
Vertically integrated in its scope, the new plan aims not only to select the strongest, toughest professor for these coveted positions, but also to promote the brand-image of the Graduate Center both in the metropolitan area and nationally. Finally, officials hope that by teaming up with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) brand and Spike TV they will be able to generate desperately needed revenue for the Grad Center.
“We know we’re taking a little bit of a risk in pairing ourselves with UFC,” said a high-ranking official speaking on condition of anonymity. “Sure an ivory tower is a beautiful thing, but it can get a little stuffy at times. We want people out there to know that our ivory tower is different. It has a deep, treacherous moat around it with crocodiles, snakes, twentysomething homicidal marital artists, and Kafkaesque combinations thereof swimming around in it
“We are especially pleased to be inking this deal with UFC,” added another, “at a time when the sport is shedding its label of ‘human cock-fighting’ and gaining popularity proportionate to its new found legitimacy. We hope the Graduate Center brand can only further this renaissance of mixed-martial arts
A UFC official remarked, “We jumped at the opportunity to bring our matches to New York City for the first time.” Spike TV’s spokesperson added, “The idea of professor’s beating the shit out of each other for extra duties and a modest salary increase is unlike anything else on television. Actually, never mind
Here is a brief summary of the plan pending approval from the trustees: (1) Six months before the expiration of the current EO’s term, 12 professors in the given program will be selected at random and kidnapped from their homes and/or offices. (2) They will share livings quarters in the basement of the GC while having their lives taped to find out what happens when things stop being polite and start getting really, etc. (3) Divided into two squads along ideological lines–in English, for example, the boring versus the slightly less boring–and after three months of grueling training with UFC hall of famers Royce Gracie and Ken Shamrock, contenders from each team will face each other in bi-monthly cage matches in the famous UFC “octagon.” (4) The winners advance to the next stage, culminating in a winner-take-all pay-per-view/close circuit final match.
The usual “rules” of UFC will apply: no head butting, no eye gouging, no attacks to the groin, no rabbit punching, obviously no donkey punching, no spitting on your opponent or taunting. In addition to these standard rules, there will be special academic rules in place: there will be no questioning the linearity of time vis-a-vis the duration of rounds and there is to be no ridiculing of the opponents’ research interests and publications as either irrelevant or boring.
When reached for comment on this new development, Professor Alcalay responded in the voice of his best Borat impression: “He is very small man, but because he is Jew he still very dangerous.
“But when I fight him, I can finish him,” he added, making a fist with his hand to clarify any ambiguity in his meaning. n
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